Enneagram Friendship Guide: How to Care for Every Type of Friend
An Enneagram Friendship Guide would have come in handy the day I realized I’d missed the mark with a friend. My cheeks still get hot when I think about that moment. I’d read a situation between us entirely wrong, and as she stood before me expressing her anger and disappointment, I was at a complete loss. How had we seen this situation so differently? And how would we rescue this friendship?
What our friends want – and what we want, too!
All of us want to be seen, known and loved for who we truly are. Friendship fills this need in a unique way.
Free from the responsibilities that naturally come with other relationships like marriage and parenting, friendship is a place where we can relax and experience the pure joy of simply connecting without the weight of worry or meeting life’s demands.
But there’s a downside to this more relaxed way of relating. When life gets busy or big life changes happen, the time spent with friends is often the first thing to get squeezed out. We might sigh and resign ourselves to letting go, chalking it up to the reality that some friendships only last for a season.
And let’s be honest. When we have a hard time understanding one another, or our differences start piling up, it can be easy to let a challenging friendship slip away. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Enter the Enneagram Friendship Guide.
The Enneagram is a relationship tool that opens a window into how we think, feel, and see the world. It gives us a way to understand nine core personality types and how they relate to one another in both times of security and connection and times of stress and conflict. It’s a relationship resource that deepens our ties by helping us better understand and accept one another – even when we see things differently.
The Enneagram Friendship Guide gives you a peek inside the mind of every type of friend. It’s a quick way to see what each type needs from her friends, the unique things about her that make her a good friend, and what you can do to be her good friend.
It will save you from those uncomfortable moments of feeling like you’re not connecting without knowing why. Instead, you’ll have a way to see the world through her lens and grow the compassion and understanding you need to build friendships that last.
Here’s how to use the Enneagram to care for every type of friend.
Your “Perfectionist” Friend – Enneagram Type 1
Ones love to make improvements. She’s the friend who notices what’s wrong and can’t rest until she makes it right. Her honest and straightforward style makes her a dependable friend who follows through on commitments and expects others to do the same. Care for your Type 1 friend by understanding that her need to get things right sometimes takes the form of an inner critic. Remind her that she’s loved – flaws and all – and encourage her to rest when she needs to. Affirm her work to make the world a more perfect place while helping her lighten up, laugh, and forgive herself when she makes mistakes.
Your “Helper” Friend – Enneagram Type 2
Twos notice what others need and don’t think twice about jumping in to help. She’s kind and empathetic and wants to be the first one you call when you need support. She will drop everything to be there for you and all the people she cares about. Care for your Type 2 friend by expressing appreciation for her help while encouraging her to care for herself with the same nurturing she gives others. Notice when she needs support and provide it without waiting for her to ask because she probably won’t. Gently remind her that it’s ok to say no – and that sometimes the loving thing to do is to let people do things for themselves.
Your “Achiever” Friend – Enneagram Type 3
Threes bring energy and optimism to their relationships and love sharing their enthusiasm for tackling dreams and achieving goals. Acknowledgment for her successes – and yours – makes her heart sing. Her goal-oriented view of positive change and a bright future is contagious. Care for your Type 3 friend by celebrating accomplishments. Show her how valuable she is to you by teaming up on a fun project or working together toward a common goal. Notice when she holds back her feelings so they won’t get in the way of getting stuff done. Give her feedback that honors her feelings even when they aren’t on display.
Your “Romantic” Friend – Enneagram Type 4
Fours are thoughtful, empathetic, warm, and creative. She’s committed to authenticity and loves serious conversations where she can share her deepest feelings and hear other perspectives. Her gift for listening to what’s on your heart makes you feel connected and understood. Care for your Type 4 friend by knowing that she often feels misunderstood for her unique way of seeing the world. Appreciate her depth, honor her originality, and give her the space she needs to share and ponder her feelings and concerns. But also give her plenty of opportunities to be lighthearted and gently encourage her to simply enjoy the moment.
Grab my FREE printable cheat sheet of The Enneagram Friendship Guide
Your “Investigator” Friend – Enneagram Type 5
Fives are curious and love to gather facts and information. She exposes you to new ideas and possibilities and backs them up with investigation and research. She doesn’t enjoy small talk and won’t get caught up in emotional drama. Her need for downtime and privacy can make her seem standoffish, but once she’s rested and ready, she’s happy to share everything she knows about her favorite topics. Care for your Type 5 friend by appreciating her objectivity and intellect. Respect her need to unplug, and don’t take it personally when she’s hard to reach. Ask her to teach you something new and watch your friendship blossom.
Your “Loyalist” Friend – Enneagram Type 6
Sixes are loyal to people and beliefs. She is witty and dependable, and builds her friendships on a firm foundation of trust. She sometimes struggles with worry, but you can count on her to have a thoughtful and caring plan for just about any circumstance. Care for your Type 6 friend by being open and honest. Give her the time she needs to learn to trust you. Once she does, be ready for a lifelong friendship. Help her feel secure by being as loyal to her as she is to you. Appreciate her gift for planning and preparing and lean into her warm and playful disposition to help her see the best that could happen when she worries about worst-case scenarios.
Your “Enthusiast” Friend – Enneagram Type 7
Sevens are enthusiastic, energetic, and love to have fun. She’ll sweep you up into new adventures and plan another before you catch your breath. She can’t get enough of all life has to offer and suffers from serious FOMO (fear of missing out) when life slows down or feels tedious or boring. Care for your Type 7 friend by appreciating her spontaneity and joining in her fun. Understand that her confidence and upbeat attitude sometimes cover feeling vulnerable about negative emotions. Notice when she’s avoiding conflict or ignoring hard feelings and remind her of her strength and ability to overcome problems.
Your “Challenger” Friend – Enneagram Type 8
Eights are protective, strong, and confident. She will tell it to you straight and do whatever she can to empower and defend you. She’s your biggest ally and will stand by your side in the face of any challenge. Fiercely independent, she bristles when others try to control her. Care for your Type 8 friend by honoring her independence and giving her freedom from too many demands or expectations. Appreciate her direct honesty and rely on her when you want to hear the truth, even when it hurts. She expects the same from you. Say what you think and stand up for yourself – even with her – and you will win her respect, loyalty and friendship for life.
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Your “Peacemaker” Friend – Enneagram Type 9
Nines focus on creating harmony. Her accepting, non-judgmental demeanor invites you to freely share your thoughts and opinions. She sees multiple sides of situations, making her a great mediator. But her inner stability and peace of mind are so important that she will do just about anything to avoid conflict – including burying her own desires to “keep the peace.” Care for your Type 9 friend by encouraging her to dream and discover her interests. Give her space and time to make decisions, and once she does, don’t suggest alternatives because she will quickly cave to your ideas. Help her learn to use her voice and see her strengths – especially her ability to make others feel included and welcome.
Grab my FREE printable cheat sheet of The Enneagram Friendship Guide
Grow compassionate connected friendships with the Enneagram Friendship Guide.
So, what about the friend I so badly disappointed before I knew about the Enneagram? We’re still friends, but our relationship has changed. We no longer assume that we think alike, and that has saved us from having any more angry conversations. We’ve learned to empathize with how each other thinks and feels, and we enjoy our friendship with the freedom of knowing that we don’t have to think alike to stay connected.
By using the Enneagram to unlock the mystery of how you and your friends see the world, you’ll gain the compassion and understanding you need to make your friendships last.
Here are some of my favorite Enneagram resources for growing healthy relationships.
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