Breaking the Silence When Racism Hits Close to Home

Breaking the Silence When Racism Hits Close to Home.

With heartbreaking images of hate, violence, and racism filling our news feeds, we find ourselves once again challenged to find the words to talk about what’s happening in the world and what we can do to help.

The words of Bryan Stevenson, Founder and Executive Director of the Equal Justice Initiative keep ringing in my ears: 

“People who are suffering need to know we are with them. Get close to the problem. Pay attention to your proximity.”

If we pay attention to our proximity, we quickly realize that racism isn’t only happening “out there” where protesters march and news cameras are rolling. The problem of hate and hate-filled language can also hit surprisingly close to home.

Our proximity to the problem of racism is closer than we think.

Breaking the silence when racism hits close to home.

Perhaps like me, you’ve found yourself sitting across from someone – a co-worker, a friend, a family member – someone you care about and want to stay in relationship with – and you’re suddenly caught off guard by language or an opinion that you find offensive.

You’re struck silent and left searching for a response. Sometimes you wait too long and the moment passes. The conversation turns back to lightness and normalcy, but in your head, you’re replaying these questions: “What just happened? Why didn’t I say something?”

Given the current events in our world, I’m feeling more and more like we need to be better prepared for moments like these. Moments when the door opens a crack to let some light shine on issues that we feel ill-equipped to talk about.

Staying silent feels wrong. But what to do instead?

I won’t pretend that there are any easy answers to this question. But what if we could figure out how to keep open a respectful dialogue that honors our relationships even when we disagree? Even when we vehemently disagree?

Here’s a scenario you might recognize.

You’re having dinner with a group. The conversation begins innocently enough but then veers into territory where worldviews clash, and some ugly language creeps in. The discomfort grows until someone manages to steer the group back toward a safe topic. Everyone silently agrees to politely let the remarks pass. After all, who wants to ruin the evening?

What on earth would you even say?

Breaking the silence when racism hits close to home.

But you sense this might be an opportunity to discuss an issue that is troubling you with people you care about, admire, and respect.

So, instead of blithely following the lead and complimenting the cook about how well the pasta was prepared, try taking a deep breath and saying something like this:

“I’m trying to hear you, but I’m finding the angry language is distracting me from the point you’re making. Could I hear your point again?”

Or this: “I care about your feelings, and I want to hear you out, but I’m uncomfortable with the racially charged language. Could we begin again?”

If it’s anger, name it. If it’s racist language, name it. If it’s stereotypical or hateful speech about anyone or any group, name it.

Calmly. Gently. And with a clear invitation for this person you care about to share his or her thoughts and ideas again.

Hearing and trying to understand one another is worth the risk.

Breaking the silence when racism hits close to home.

Will it be easy? Not for most of us. Will it work to defuse every situation? No.

Will we be able to have conversations about racism and other tough topics without offending one another? Highly unlikely.

But we’ve got to start somewhere.

We can’t continue letting our discomfort silence us or cause us to change the subject. If we want to find ways to talk about hard issues like hate and racism, sometimes our opening will come in the form of an offensive remark. Let’s seize the opportunity. Give one another grace. And be ready to lean in close with wise and gentle words that seek to understand.

Words that can change our proximity to the problem by opening the door to the kind of honest conversations we need to be having. Conversations that might spill over into our communities and bring healing and change to those who are suffering. Those who need to know we are with them.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
(Proverbs 15:1)

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love. (1 Corinthians 16:13-14)

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  1. This was so well stated….thanks for your thoughtful insights.

  2. Sharon McDonnell says:

    I always love your kind and gentle words Jody! I can only hope that I’ll be able to remember them when I get heated up! Thanks for sharing an option that lends grace, respect and love.

    1. Lorraine W. Murphy says:

      Wow, Jody! Besides all the other good things you are, today I see you as a powerful advocate willing to take me by the hand into the jungle (love the elephant!).

      I will read this blog over and over to get myself “suited up” for the next encounter which is sure to come (sad to say).

      Thank you for your incredibly insightful role of leadership; God is using you and you are cooperating beautifully. (The Catholic Church, so far, does not have a
      St. Jody but I’m thinking of putting your name in.)

      Love and blessings,

  3. Susan Agostinelli says:

    OH, Jody..this is a difficult one! But, it made me aware of the many situations where I didn’t know what to say. But, I never felt “good” when I never have addressed those moments, much less with grace. Not because I didn’t WANT to, but having many excuses, I didn’t want confrontation. I had an opportunity recently, when a new friend spoke with such anger and hate. I lost an opportunity to either diffuse or encourage dialogue with love and understanding. Instead, I shared my faith and a few times of miracles that changed many of my attitudes. I’m going to read this blog over a few times and sincerely hope I retain some of the wisdom and examples you’ve given. If my faith is as strong as I feel it is, I know I’ll have beautiful opportunities to do and say/ask the right thing with grace and God’s help. Thank you so much for your continued wisdom and insight. I too love the elephant!
    Much Love and Blessings, Jody. Susan

  4. You certainly are living boldly & bravely, addressing this topic in the most diplomatic way possible! “People” are so afraid to stand for anything these days because of fear of attack….and I have felt shame being one of these “people”.

    “Discomfort silence” is exactly what I have experienced, and it just eats away at me. But I believe the people who know & trust us will hear us if we approach them in this gentle way you have shared! (It often seems much easier with strangers because we don’t have to risk the relationship!) This made me think about the relationships I treasure most … these are with those who are perfectly open & honest, and I need to put aside my fear of what they will think…why should I worry about offending them with my honest words that are intended to bring awareness and unite?

    Thank you, Jody, for writing this article, being a perfect example of true courageousness!

  5. Thank you, once again, for reminding all of us of our responsibility as Christians and human beings. It is so much easier to hope an uncomfortable conversation will end very quickly. The truth is, most of us feel worse afterwards. In so many aspects of my life, I have learned ( and continue to learn) that the confrontation is much easier than we think if our words are well chosen. We must continue to pray for the words when the moments arise. I love you for using this horrible event to give us all a moment to re-examine how to handle these situations.

  6. Excellent article and instruction Jody. I’m rehearsing these opportunities in my head and realizing the goal will be to truly listen, rather than think I might change someone’s views. People often soften once they are given an invitation to “say their piece” knowing it’s an “exchange”, not an ambush.

    1. Yes, and we’re all guilty of it. We’re thinking of how we’ll answer and coming up with counterpoints without slowing down and trying to hear people out. For me, the biggest ah-ha moment was when I realized listening doesn’t automatically mean I’m agreeing. I can listen respectfully and still form my own opinions. We need to work hard to keep the art of conversation and friendly debate alive. It definitely doesn’t come naturally, does it?

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